The movie Cars is the latest in a long line of computer-generated, feature-film length motion pictures from Pixar. For the uninitiated (mostly those of you without children), Cars follows the adventures of a race car named Lightning McQueen. All the vehicles in the movie have eyeballs where their windshields should be and use their grills to talk. It’s just about every kid’s dream come true, so along with the movie there is all sorts of Cars-branded merchandise to sate your child’s longing for talking car paraphernalia. Obviously there are video games based on the flick and I got the Nintendo DS version of the game.

I was a bit surprised when I loaded up Cars for the first time. The menu is modeled after a drive-in movie theater which is the kind of thing I hardly recall and most kids have never seen in real life. On the top screen is the movie screen and on the bottom is a parking lot with a handful of cars from the movie. Selecting each of the cars splashes the title of a mini game on the screen and allows you the option to try it out. I didn’t really know what to expect when I was handed this assignment but an eclectic array of mini games loosely held together by events from the movie wasn’t it. It’s meant for kids though so with that in mind I selected my first character and jumped in.

I then immediately frowned. The first mini game I tried consisted of an old VW van and a rusted-out tow truck watching the patterns on a stop light. After a few lights blinked I then had to repeat the pattern by tapping the lights with the stylus. I think I played this game back in the 80s when it was called Simon Says. Even if your tykes were conceived this century, I’m sure they, too, are tired of it already.

On to the next mini game. The next game features a hot rod car running from the cops. “Here’s some action!” I think to myself. Nope. The hot rod mini game boils down to simply tapping one of the five highway lanes to move your car around the slower moving traffic. Occasionally another fast car will come up behind you, their lane designated with an arrow at the bottom of the screen, which adds a wee bit of strategy. It’s an ancient game play mechanism that even a Happy Meal could do better at.

From here they get worse. You’ll change the mood of manic depressive cars by rubbing them with the stylus to fill them up with gas, see how high you can make a car bounce, and even more. So when do you get to race Lightning McQueen? After you beat the mini games! After making your way through the first set of mini games you are “awarded” with a racing level. Or lack of racing level I should say.

When Lightning finally gets to the track the game gets exponentially worse. It’s not even a race in the true sense of the word. Players use the D-pad to steer their car around a never ending stream of opponents. The track diagrams show ovals and road courses but they are merely a glorified stop watch because the road is always straight. The dot on the map takes the corner, but you’re just busy dodging and jumping the pack of cars that streams at you.

So how do you win? There is one other rival car on the screen that the computer controls. To win you have to get over the finish line first. You can never really get a lead on him so it all comes down to luck in the end. I had more fun playing racing Pole Position on the Atari more than 20 years ago. I’m still trying to figure out how a game developer can mess up a “racing” game so bad.

Gameplay: 4.1

If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery then I hope that Wario Ware is flattered. Most of the mini games in Cars are simplified retreads of games we’ve all played a million times. The original mini games are even more lackluster than the copycat games. Almost all of them use the touch screen in some manner, so make sure you put a screen protector on it. All the asinine tapping and “rubbing” is going to wear it out quick. The mini games wouldn’t be so bad if they unlocked a fun racing mode, but the racing mode is by far the worst part of the game.

Graphics: 6.8

The mini games actually look pretty decent. There are nice little touches such as the traffic light bouncing around when you touch it in the Simon Says game. The racing mini game on the other hand looks like a first year programming major’s badly rendered sprite game. Also, the menu and some of the games take place at night and have a dark palette of colors that is tough to see in sunlight if you have the original DS.

Sound: 6.9

Besides the car sound effects, one of the hot rod’s sneezing fits is actually a key element of it’s mini game, the rest of the audio is just kind of there. The music is low quality renditions of tracks from the film and fits the game fairly well. It’s decent sound work for a portable game but nothing fantastic.

Difficulty: Easy/Medium

The majority of the mini games in Cars are downright easy. However, for some strange reason a few of them are much more difficult than the rest at first. Once you get the hang of each one though the game can be breezed through in no time.

Concept: 5.0

Cars on the DS is a collection of mini games. Normally, I’m all for minigame-based portable games. They are usually easy to learn and fun to play in short bursts, both good traits for any on-the-go game. While, the various games are easy to learn in Cars, unfortunately, even from a child’s perspective, they simply aren’t a whole lot of fun.

Overall: 4.9

Cars is an incredibly boring, sometimes frustrating, waste of a good DS cartridge. Do your kid a favor and buy them Mario Kart DS instead. They may scream and holler a bit, but after they compare it to their friend’s copy of Cars they will thank you.