So disappointing...

How's that for an intro? "So disappointing;" well, I have to tell you, I'm not shooting from the hip here, the first tank game on the DS (as far as I know) was supposed to be an exercise in quick stylus play, snappy characters, action and, well, tanks being blown up. Turns out one out of four is not good. No, Tank Beat (TB) seems to have gotten off on a wrong foot, and never really recovers.

Ok, so here's the thing, the story mode is the primary play (more on the multiplayer below) in it, you play as another one of the cookie-cutter style heroes who takes up arms in order to reclaim your once-grand country that has been overwhelmed by insurgent forces. Sound familiar? You, a renegade, hot-shot rebel tank pilot fighting against the evil (ahem, empire) army who has taken over your land. Yes, this plot line has been done to death with a 1,000 movies, books and games. But the fun doesn't end there. To go along with this well-used plot device, we have what seems to be, poorly translated cutscene dialogue that really leaves you scratching your head. Are we fighting a war here people, or are we ordering dinner? The dialogue, as it is, jumps around too much and made me wonder as if this was based on some obscure anime that I have never seen. Well whether it is or isn't the game is certainly lacking any sort of cohesiveness that games of this ilk need to keep it all together. Did I mention this title is confusing?

"Is that a tank or a loaf of bread?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah Mike, I just hit the button and don't read about all that boring plot stuff, get to the goods, lets talk about the destruction. Ok, I hear you and I know what you mean. Once you manage to swim through the oily-black plot and conversations, you get into the tank and off you go. Firing at enemy panzers as they line up to take you or your allies out. Strafing enemy fire, dodging land mines as you race up a hill to save a P.O.W. The action comes at you at a blistering pace that will leave you sweaty and wanting more. Really? No, not at all, this game has absolutely none of what I just said. I just wanted to type to you about the game I thought this should have been.

Instead, TB, is an exercise in pure pain. Driving the tanks is easily one of the most tedious and boring things to ever do with your DS, and you are in a tank mind you. The upper screen is used to view the action from a real-time perspective, your tanks rolling along, it's little grainy pixels churning up the drab, un-textured landscape. The lower screen is how you move and fire. It is viewed by looking at what appears to be a modern rehash of the classic Atari game "Combat." Little tiny dots represent you, your enemies and the other poor souls who were swept up in this war. By directing your stylus on the lower screen you can visually see your little tank moving on the upper screen. Since red dots represent your enemies, you line up your tank accordingly and hit the fire button on the screen. With some luck and lots of patience, you will hit your desired target and all will be right with the world. And there you go, TB in a nutshell. Oh, sorry, one more thing, when moving around the map, you use the stylus to draw the path you would like to take. If you happen to be in a tank that has to stop to fire, you must re-draw the path you would like to take.

"That is entirely too much verbiage for a DS title."

I already kind of beat up on the graphics above, but let's throw a couple more jabs at the subject. Sadly, this title falls prey to poor development. Not that the folks at O-3 Entertainment don't know what they are doing; I'm sure they do, but this title really has some below par visuals. The in-game action is horribly diluted, there isn't any real sort of detail one would hope from a game like this. The explosions are really, really pixilated and reminded me of some early 90s visuals. The whole lower screen top-down view of a map doesn't do the game any favors, c'mon we have seen what the DS can produce visually, this game would look bad on the GBA.

The audio is more of the same, poorly issued tank commands from your allies not only serve to get you killed, but are spoken with all of the enthusiasm of someone ordering liver and onions.

Explosions and wafer thin tank fire set the game up for a rousing bout of needmyIpoditis.

The game does feature both single card downloadable play, multi card play and online play. I found absolutely no one to play with online. I did, however, rope my niece into playing the multiplayer match with me via the single-card download. She still isn't talking to me. For a game to be as trite and un-fun as this, one only needs to convince someone to play with you. While the game does feature different tanks to combat against, the idea behind the controlling of the tanks is just so poorly realized that multiplayer mode becomes an exercise in who can avoid enemy fire longer. No fun found in the multiplayer.  

Gameplay: 3.4
Well, you use the stylus, but that's where the positives end. A repetitive, mind-numbing game if there ever was one. The game's story mode can be beat in a few hours.

Graphics: 2.4
You can literally count the grainy pixilated items in the game. And you don't even have to know how to count that high.

Sound: 2.8
The first time your allies tell you there is an enemy on the right, and they come from the left, you know that you are dealing with incompetence.

Concept: 4.0
It should have been a better formulated idea, just because it is a tank game, doesn't mean it's gonna be a winner.

Multiplayer: 3.0
You can usually count on a multiplayer mode to buoy a poor game because you enemy is another "real" person. It doesn't count in this case.

Overall: 3.1
I wanted this title because I wanted to play a kick-butt tank game on the DS, there is nothing in this game that represents fun. I hate to say that, but when all the members of the house give it a try and no one could say anything good about it, well, that just seals the deal. Don't even bother buying this one when it hits the clearance shelf for $2.99.