While I hate to further the stereotype that all gamers are fat, lazy slobs, exercise and I have never been best friends. Sure, she’s tried to get me out of the house, lift some heavy-handle things and climb one-runged ladders that lead to nowhere, but the ingrown comfort that my couch-groove has provided me is more than enough of a reason to ignore the Wii Fit-inspired video-game fitness phenomenon. Well, that and the fact that I get winded when lifting anything heavier than a sandwich.

As I booted up The Biggest Loser for the Nintendo DS, I realized two things: my DS is lighter than a sandwich, and that this title is not — in any way — a game. Instead, it’s a collection of apps, tools, and gizmos banded together to make your weight loss journey a bit less arduous, and features the cast, crew, and contestants from the hit TV reality show of the same name as window dressing. Loser turns your DS into health-centric PDA, allowing you to document your weekly weight, goal weight, calorie intake, and energy output on an in-game calendar. At the end of each week, your progress will clash against the bellies of the other virtual contestants, and you get to vote a random Loser off of the show in an act of blissful rage.

Outside of the competition, The Biggest Loser includes several tools to help reduce belt-buckle strain. The calendar lets you type in how many calories you’ve eaten and burned each day, and will visualize your Body Mass Index (BMI) to make you feel better (or worse) about yourself. The exercise area throws dozens of how-to’s your way, telling you what position to stand in, what to do with your body, and even providing a timer to help keep track of your routine. There’s also a cookbook that includes a ton of (seemingly random) tasty snacks and meals with pictures, ingredients, and step-by-step instructions on how to make them become a delicious reality. Also included is a calorie counter, a BMI calculator, several completely pointless trivia questions that repeat way too often (“Which is healthier: A piece of cake or an entire cake?”), and a slightly more complicated quiz that asks you questions like, “which would make a salad unhealthier?” Since one of the possible answers is “add a lot of cheese to it,” you probably won’t break a sweat here.

The main problem with all of this is that none of it is done particularly well. The calendar lets you input how many calories you eat and burn in any particular day, but there’s no room to scribble a few notes or mark down your current daily weight. The exercises are illustrated through 1-4 frame animations of a trainer acting out the move, but these visuals make it tough to figure out exactly what it is you’re supposed to be doing with your body. The cookbook is lacking in certain key areas (only three sandwiches??!), and is easily bested by the thousands of options afforded by a quick “low fat recipe” Google search. Worst of all, this DS cart abandons all of the competitive aspects of the show, as the aforementioned vote off is meaningless (it only exists to tally your weight for the week) and you can’t interact with the other “contestants” at all. Couldn’t they throw in a mini-game or two?

The sad truth is that everything offered by The Biggest Loser can be replicated by a pen and paper or an internet-enabled PC. Since you are probably using one of those right now to read this review, I recommend that you save your $30 and seek out one of the deeper, better weight loss options available for free online. Besides, $30 can buy a lot of sandwiches.

Gameplay: 2.0
The Biggest Loser isn’t a game as much as it is a weight loss tool. Aside from some painfully easy trivia questions, clicking through menus and calculating calories is all you’ll ever do.

Graphics: 4.0
Weird caricatures of fitness gurus and plain, colorful menus are decent, but there just isn’t much to it. Your in-game avatar fattens and slims itself depending on your progress, but the character creation choices are thinner than Jillian Michaels’ waist.

Sound: 5.0
A few words of wisdom from the show’s trainers and some soothing elevator music fills the air, but nothing stands out

Difficulty: Easy
All of the difficulty here comes from the real life sweat and suffering that goes along with a strict diet. This cart’s convoluted menus and confusing exercise descriptions won’t better this experience

Concept: 6.0
The Biggest Loser includes some helpful applications to provide portable weight loss assistance, but the lack of internet connectivity really limits what it can do.

Overall: 4.0
The Biggest Loser includes some handy tools to keep your waistline intact, but it doesn’t do enough of anything to justify its $30 price tag.